The Gift

Where have I been and what have I been doing? Hmmmm, how about a story about a little project I started that almost had no ending. It began with an idea for a quilt. Off I trot to the fabric store. I knew just the colors and patterns I needed for my theme. So far, so good. I happily bring my carefully selected yards of fabric home and that's where it all began or unraveled I should say. Now I haven't made a quilt since my 27 year old son was in my belly, so after consulting with my BFF Kathy, (the quilting queen), I was ready to go.
I began by using my new round rotary cutter wheel and 9 inch square block to cut the material into squares. Sweeeet and saves so much time......
I'm happily cutting away until I realize I have cut beyond my square right thru my lace tablecloth and wooden table. Okie dokie, a new 9 inch scratch in the table. Not the end of the world, thank goodness it wasn't an heirloom.

Now the fun part, let's lay out the pattern on the floor, satisfied, I am ready to begin to sew. I go upstairs and lug out my mom's 900 pound Singer sewing machine.....I believe Ed Sullivan was on TV when she received it from my Dad for Christmas. Haul it down stairs, set it up....and what's this, the foot thingy majigy is missing. Knowing that Chelsea had used it last for a costume, I make a call to her. "Chel, where is the foot thingy for Nana's sewing machine?" "Oh it's in the Drama Department at the High School" she replies. Holy Shitake Mushrooms, it may as well be in a landfill for the odds of me ever seeing that again. Not to be deterred, I call Wally World. Do you have sewing machines? Yes, so off I go into the night to Walmart, a mere 40 mile round trip. I pick up my new shiny sewing machine for $79.99 and return home. I unpack this thing and think no problem, I'll just wind the bobbin, thread this puppy and begin. BUT OH NO, I had to get out the friggin CD, load it into my laptop and learn how to THREAD this monster and wind the bobbin. By now I hate the "Martha Stewart" recommended cheap crap sewing machine that requires a mechanics degree to operate. Finally after I rewatch the CD (available in 3 languages) a half dozen times, I am threaded and ready to go. I sew three panels of squares, pressing the seams open as my mom taught me with the iron. Pleased with my pattern laid out on my living room floor, and exhausted, I climb upstairs and go to sleep. I come down the next morning, excited to begin only to find THIS. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE???? Did some wild animals come in and square dance on my layout??? Upon further observation, I realize an animal did christen my quilt squares. Holy mother of pearl. Something peed on it!! Thank my stars, I had plenty of extra cut out squares to replace the "damp" ones, so I began replacing them with "dry" squares. WHEW, now lets put the pattern back together.....door bell rings.....I am still in bathrobe, yesterday's hair, no makeup and buffalo breath. I swing open the door and 3 Jehovahs Witness stand there waiting to be invitied in. "NOT NOW" I scream, I'm busy. They handed me their pamphlets and left. The little boy is his suit was so cute, but I'm in the middle of a quilt crisis, can't they see that? (Please no offense to the Witnesses, some of them are really good friends of mine, just bad timing!) I return to the Rubiks Cube look of my quilt and reassemble the pattern. I begin sewing again, get another 2 panels worth and the sound of a very familiar white truck pulls up unexpectedly in front of my home. Gads, its the recipient of the quilt! I have 10.8 seconds to grab the remaining 57 quilt squares off the floor and stuff them somewhere before he hits the front door. A handful went into the pantry, another wad went into the oven and the remaining evidence, including the quilt batting, sewing scraps and tools were flung into the garage. I managed a quick panicked glance around the room before he knocked. Crap more squares on the couch, cram them between the pillows and then swing open the front door all without taking a breath. In he walks, looks around and says "I didn't know you could sew". Flippin sewing machine sitting in the middle of the living room, may as well of been an African Elephant there, oh, I replied, just "mending" a few things. He just dropped by to say "hello" on his way home from the motorcross track. All I could think about was had I turned the oven off after lunch or was I now cooking 23 quilt squares soon to catch fire and set off the smoke alarm....after Mr. Moto's departure, I continued to again resurrect the quilt pattern on the floor. I have now locked the door and pulled down the shades. I begin sewing again, but after every 3 to 4 squares, the thread jams up and unthreads itself. I am losing my patience rapidly and then at approximately 10:45 PM, the f&!#$g needle snaps in half on the sewing machine. That its, I've had it and burst into tears. I am never going to get this done in time. I sit on the couch and cry....until I see the little supply kit that came with the piece of s**t sewing machine, that low and behold had a replacement needle in it. Alas, but that little buggar wouldn't go in, so out comes the friggin CD and a lesson on how to replace the needle. I am beyond exhaustion now so I call it a night. I gather up all the animals and lock them in my room with me. No one will be peeing on my masterpiece this evening!
It's a new day, and now I've sewn almost all the squares together. It's time for the batting to go in between the quilt squares and soft sheet backing. So with right sides together, I sew, and I sew and I sew, the batting onto my queen size quilt. I'm done, I'm done. I go to flip the quilt inside out only to discover HELLS BELLS, I HAVE SEWN THE BATTING ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE QUILT! I AM DONE, I AM SO DONE WITH THIS DAMN PROJECT!I THROW THE QUILT IN THE AIR and SCREAM. I AM SCREAMING WORDS I CANNOT PUT INTO THIS BLOG! I now have to pick apart this quilt with a seam ripper one friggin zig zag stitch at a time. I HATE THIS QUILT NOW, AND ALL ITS BEAUTIFUL TROPICAL COLORS. It has beat me, it has won!
Chelsea walks in and says, "Wow Mom, that is beautiful, it looks so professional like you bought it at the store. I didn't know you knew how to sew like that!" I learned in Home Ec darling, something thats gone by the wayside. "Do you think you could make me one Mom?" Give me strength, Lord. As I am about to hang up my quilting career and drop kick this cheesy plastic sewing machine, my daughter wants one too!
So now the moment of truth, I wrap up my offering and deliver it on Valentines Day, saying "here I made you a little something". He unfolds it and the first words out of his mouth were, "you didn't make this" and then says it again. Dear Lord, please give me the strength not to wrap him up in this quilt right now and smother him to death. And then he breaks into a huge grin.....of course, he was just messin' with me like always......he loves it, he absolutely loves it : )

and now if you will excuse me, I just remembered the quilt squares stuffed between the pillows of my couch and that missing seam ripper and gads, where is the other half of that needle...............