Let's Face It!

Ok, you asked for it, you got it! Here is the way you TOO can grow a new face.....

You begin in an exam room with a very nice nurse named Jennifer and her Luvelan Kerastick. Prior to beginning procedure, Jennifer cleans your face with acetone, the stuff that takes finger nail polish off, and also causes you to get high off it when applied around your face. Then Jennifer colors your face with luvelan stick, your entire face. You then have to wait 90 minutes before they put you in the blue machine which
Dr. O has named Roxie. Now this is where the fun begins. You will spend 17 minutes inside "Roxie" wearing swimmer's goggles. Jennifer will check on you every 3 minutes until done. She turns it on and leaves the room. Ok, this isn't so bad, minute number 1.....ummmm....ok now is this really supposed to be stinging? Minute 3, Jennifer pops in...how you doing.....well, I say it is stinging pretty bad, similar to people poking needles in every pore of my face. Well she says "Tracy, you have DECADES of sun damage, so this is going to hurt" Minute number 4, I now believe I am being sandblasted w/ needles and the intensity of the heat is about 115 degrees. I say to myself, come on you can do it.....they give you 2 small hand fans to blow onto your face during the 17 minute burn off to cool down the heat. This was the day that genius me decided to wear a neck scarf which u guessed it got sucked up in the fan. Scream for help, but no one can hear you because the staff can't be in the same room when "Roxi" is on. Unravel favorite scarf from fan and resume position of face 4 inches from the incinerator. Intensity is building, ok Trace, take yourself to your Happy Place....not working.....don't think about the fact that you are now 7 minutes into this and feel like someone has poured battery acid on your face. Jennifer pops in, "you are halfway thru" ... I used to like Jennifer until Minute 7, she is tooo cheerful and has perfect skin, we hate her. She is no longer my friend. Holy Mother of God, I must be on fire, I can hear my skin burning off, sounds like rice crispies. Minute 12, in pops Jennifer....how you doing.......I don't answer. All brain cells have been destroyed. Perhaps I could apply for the next "Nightmare on Elm Street" movie and play the role of Freddie Krueger after what Jennifer and her burning machine have done. "Two minutes to go" she yells from outside the door, it may have well have been 2 more days. Finally, the machine shuts off and I think Aaaaahhhh, now the burning will stop. I DON'T THINK SO........FIRE..........Jennifer looks at my RED, SWOLLEN face and says "oh my", I'll be right back, and informs me to continue using the cooling fans on it until she returns. She enters the room with a washcloth folded in quarters, cold and wet directly from the freezer. She said apply this to your face. I swear I would have paid her ONE MILLION dollars for that cold cloth. I felt steam come off it, after several more washcloths, we finally had to put my face in a sink of cold water. Apparently, the fairer and more skin damage you have the worse this procedure is. Finally, they were able to take the sting out with medicine. Now you go home with a wide brimmed hat and sunglasses to stay out of sun/daylight for 48 hours. Of course, as luck would have it my 45 minute drive home was directly into the sun. So with one hand I held down the brim of my hat and with the other, stradled the console in my car to avoid direct light. Because people, when any light hits your face, it is the equivalent of salt being thrown on a snail. The burning will start all over again. So that's it, I am on day 5 and look like a peeling snake. At the one month mark, I should have skin as smooth as a baby's behind.